Being Fat is Tough.

Hi Guys,

Today I have a bit of a different post for you. I want to talk about being fat.

I am fat. I have mountains of ever increasing fat all over my body, and I’ve finally realised how out of control it’s become. I’ve put on three stones since my wedding last September. I know why I’ve put it on, I’m not a ‘secret eater’, I’m not in denial, I know I’ve been eating a lot – over a long period of time, and I don’t get much exercise. Blogging doesn’t really help either as it means I’m sitting down a lot.

Also, I would just like to point out, I’m not judging anyone else, this is solely my views on myself and my own body. I have friends who weight many stones less than me but still feel fat, and I know people the are bigger than me and feel completely happy with themselves.

Fat is a real physical thing, it’s also a state of mind.

Sometimes I feel like I’m on a downward cycle and I can’t control myself. I eat because I’m depressed, and the more I eat, the bigger I become, the less energy and motivation I have, the more I eat… and it goes on. I need to break this cycle.

It’a tough putting on weight in so many different ways. It affects your confidence. Your clothes don’t fit. You feel self conscious. Can people see my porridge bum??

I decided to weigh myself, this way there’s no ignoring it any more, I need to face facts. I’m now 12 stone 4 pounds, and a large size 16. My boobs are massive, my bum is massive, and my bingo wings flap. I got my husband to take photos of me, full length, no makeup, in leggings and a vest top. Even though I’m not oblivious to the fact that I’ve put this weight on, I was still shocked by the images that looked back at me. I did not recognise myself. Who was this imposter pretending to be me?

I am not that girl in the photographs. I am not that girl in the mirror. I am care fee, happy, full of life and colour. I do things on a whim. I’m funny and odd and make weird faces. I have discos in my living room and dance around with my boy, not caring that the world can see us through the window.

The girl I see is pale and washed out, she looks old and worn. Her hair has been falling out. It’s stopped now but it’s not really growing back and it’s still a mess. She stays in bed as long as she can get away with it so she doesn’t have to get up and face the world. She secretly despises herself and what she has become, and tries to cover the pain with comfort eating. She spends too much noney on things she doesn’t need, to try to fill a void.

The girl in the mirror is not me.

Funlily enough I was actually listening to Man in the Mirror today, and it did strike a chord with me.

I’m Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It’s Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right 

I want to be a better person. I want to be a good person. So I’m going to make a change.

Starting now.



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14 thoughts on “Being Fat is Tough.

  1. Tilly

    I had this epiphany a few weeks ago, its a horrible feeling right now but you know what? You’re there. Right now is the lowest point. Once you get onto the path of getting yourself feeling ‘you’ again believe me, little things will make you feel better.

    I had lost control of my portion sizes, so I’m battling with them to get them back down now — and I cut out sugary, fizzy drinks. Its water or green tea. Each time I make a decision that’s healthy I congratulate myself. If I have a night off, I feel gross and rather hateful of myself so I tend to stick with the healthier options.

    But please know, you aren’t alone. x

    Reply
  2. SInead

    Fairplay for sharing this with everyone hun. I think 80% of women feel like this but are too afraid to admit it. Going through a bit of this myself at the minute, so know that you are not alone in this. A bit of hard work and determination and you will start to see a new woman in a short few weeks. xx

    Reply
  3. Karen Constantine (@lovelygirlybits)

    Fair play to you Michelle. I felt exactly like this for the last 14 years and was in denial about how big I’d gotten. I promised I’d start the diet tomorrow, on Monday, after so and so’s birthday and finally last September I joined Slimming World, knowing absolutely nothing about the plan, but figured I’d tried everything else and had seen a fellow blogger have fantastic results.

    It’s the best thing I ever did. Everyone in the group is there for the same reason and always has tips and tricks to help everyone. I’ve lost 2.5 stone, the most I’ve ever lost on a diet and I don’t feel like I’m on a diet. I’ve a long way to go, but I know I can do it and I’ve never felt like that before!

    You deciding enough is enough is the best start and it’s the first step to you becoming that girl again. Best of luck missus 🙂

    Reply
  4. H

    Wow!! You could of been writing about me. This is exactly me. Even weigh the same and it’s all happened since the being of the year. I suffer from depression and have a really bad year. I really need to make some big changes too.

    Reply
  5. emma

    love this blog post as some who suffers with anxiety parts of this i can really relate to i hope you succeed in you mission to change best of luck

    Reply
  6. Lizi

    What a brave post to write and something I can really relate to right now. The biggest step was facing up to your reality that you’re not happy, every step forward is a positive one from here 🙂

    Reply
  7. Simone

    I was with you right up to “I want to be a better person. I want to be a good person” – at this point I felt sad! Being fat doesn’t make you a bad person or a good person. The way you treat people makes you a good or bad person and although I suspect you didn’t mean it that way it still might be an unconscious thing you’re feeling.

    I’ve struggled with weight my whole adult life but over the last 14 months since my mum died it has fluctuated vastly. Perhaps the photos were the motivation you need to feel happy in yourself, but please don’t ever think you’re a bad person because of your body size or shape. You’re clearly a really wonderful person and I wish you the best of luck on your journey 🙂 x

    Simone | Thirty Something OAP

    Reply
  8. Mahdi M

    You can do it! I was exactly where you are last September when I turned 30. I decided enough was enough. I quit sodas, and started working out again for the first time in 10 years. I’ve since lost 40 pounds, 10 more until I reach my fitness goal. The key, and my best tip is to put on your workout clothes, socks, shoes, sweatband and all, even when you’re just too tired. Chances are, you’ll go ahead and work out because you’ll feel silly changing out of your clothes without sweating in them! Once that first 10 pounds goes, you’ll be SO motivated to continue, just gotta get over that hump.

    Reply
  9. karriesmith

    I seriously thought you stole this from my blog at first. I’m not kidding. I’m not sure what stones are. I live in the US. But you are beautiful. I know the words don’t really matter, and the feelings are uncomfortable literally. I started lifting 4 pounds weights in my arms while I”m laying in the bed about 2 months ago. I SURPRISINGLY don’t have that wiggle under the arm, although I haven’t lost a lot of mass from my arm. I can see my muscle when I flex, but I dont have that underarm wiggle like I did! I didn’t even sweat. It makes me motivated to get rid of my belly/boob chub that I don’t like. All my fat is in my stomach. I used to wear a size 3. I can get them up but I can’t button any of them. The legs aren’t that tight, but my belly is inches away from being able to fit. It’s because of age and stress, but most is pure laziness. I saw this in my arms only a few days ago. I *am* ready to start on my belly. If it only took 2 months for my arms (which I never could change), imagine what my stomach will look like in 2 months. I’m not interested in abs or being toned. I just want the fat off. I never want to get out of bed. My hair is falling out too. I see my doctor soon, and had my thyroid and iron/bloodwork done last time I was there. Are you super stressed out in life?

    -karrie

    Reply
  10. char

    I feel as though I still have so far to go with this, I have lost some of the weigth I wanted to but still not enough. Like you said abotu the photos, I still don’t see the person I am / want to be.
    Good luck with your journey.

    Reply
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  12. realmrsmoore

    Big squeezy hugs my lovely step sis. Thank you for your honesty, it helps I get it I really do we are more alike than you think. Running has helped me and still helps. As does honest blogging too – I have been very honest lately too and like you closed my eyes and waited for the backlash. Instead I opened them to find love and support just like you. I’m always here anytime xxxx

    Reply
  13. Diane M Gooding

    I am obese. I have failed 3 times at one of those groups where you count points and get weighed. My doc set me up with a nutritionist twice. But I eat because my life sucks. So do the people in it. Food is my friend and after a bad day I use it to make myself feel better. I am an intelligent woman who knows that what she is doing is harmful. Yet I am lost.

    Reply

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