I really want to say happy Monday! And be all cheery and full of sunshine for you. But already this morning I’ve woken up late, broken a nail and banged the side of my head getting into the car so I feel like I’ve been punched in the ear. Can I start again!?
Today I want to talk about some personal issues, and I want to be honest with you. I’ve been putting off / avoiding outfit posts more and more because I feel so self conscious of my size and weight. I’ve put on a massive chunk of weight (five stones in fact) over the last 18 months and it’s really knocked my confidence. I’ve been trying to think of how to share my thoughts and feelings about this, but it’s so hard to get the words out right, I keep writing this and re-writing this again and again, so I’m just going to go for it…
Basically I feel completely torn. On one hand I want to jump around in my favourite loud and colourful clothes whilst giving the world the middle finger. I want to say this is me, this is what I look like, and if you have a problem with that, then it says a lot more about you that it does me. But unfortunately as much as I want to, I don’t feel like that most of the time. Most of the time I want to hide away because I feel so self conscious. I don’t like the fact that my whole body wobbles when I walk. I don’t like feeling uncomfortable in my clothes, and in my own skin. It’s been really getting to me, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to accept myself as I am in order to start making positive changes… so here I am.
This is what I look like.
Will people judge me? Maybe. Do I care? I really want to say no, but I wouldn’t be writing this if that was the truth, so I do care a bit.
Even though I’m not feeling great about myself at the moment, I really want this post to have a positive message behind it. If you’re a size 8, 18 or 28. IT’S YOUR LIFE. It’s your body and your choice. If you’re big and want to lose weight, fantastic, do it! If you’re slim and unhappy and you want to gain weight – do it!
We all need to do what makes us happy, you can’t live your life worrying about what other people will think or doing as they expect. (see how I’m contradicting myself there) I find it quite cathartic writing this down so I’m hoping by the end of the post I’ll have made some sort of peace with myself.
In the above picture I’m wearing the Sheer Tears Sequin Dress Isolated Heroes, this is one of my favourite stores, expensive but they make everything by hand, and definitely worth every penny.
You couldn’t see my shoes very well through the grass so I’ve taken a separate photo of my shoes and accessories for you. I recently bought this Silver Gem Stripe Panel Clutch from New Look in the sale – a bargain at £10, and these gorgeous Rosalie Pose Sandals from Clarks Shoes will just be perfect for the coming warmer weather. My sunnies are from Nasty Gal.
So I’ve put on all this weight for various reasons; I’ve been suffering with anxiety and depression, but mostly depression. I’ve been comfort eating and feeling like I have no control over my habits. The situation I was in got to a point where I couldn’t carry on like I was, and I had to do something about it – so I did. I’ve now made certain changes in my life, so things should be on the up from now on. I’ve been wanting to cut out my bad habits and start a healthier lifestyle for a long time now, and that’s exactly what I’m now starting to do.
In this outfit my t-shirt is from Tein Clothing. I also bought a few others in their sale which I’m hoping to get into when I’ve lost some weight. Their prints are amazing!
The accessories for this outfit included a gold tone gem necklace from Nasty Gal, these amazing Silver Glitter Gem Tie Up Block Heels from New Look, they were £39.99 down to £22.00 – and yes they do actually match the bag above. And my old trusty Nasty Gal bag.
I’m sorry if any of this doesn’t make sense. I’ll have a post up shortly explaining what’s happened exactly and what my plans are moving forward. I do feel better for ‘coming out’ and getting this all off my chest though. I’m really looking forward to a new beginning xxx