Today I have a bit of a different post for you. I want to talk about being fat.
I am fat. I have mountains of ever increasing fat all over my body, and I’ve finally realised how out of control it’s become. I’ve put on three stones since my wedding last September. I know why I’ve put it on, I’m not a ‘secret eater’, I’m not in denial, I know I’ve been eating a lot – over a long period of time, and I don’t get much exercise. Blogging doesn’t really help either as it means I’m sitting down a lot.
Also, I would just like to point out, I’m not judging anyone else, this is solely my views on myself and my own body. I have friends who weight many stones less than me but still feel fat, and I know people the are bigger than me and feel completely happy with themselves.
Fat is a real physical thing, it’s also a state of mind.
Sometimes I feel like I’m on a downward cycle and I can’t control myself. I eat because I’m depressed, and the more I eat, the bigger I become, the less energy and motivation I have, the more I eat… and it goes on. I need to break this cycle.
It’a tough putting on weight in so many different ways. It affects your confidence. Your clothes don’t fit. You feel self conscious. Can people see my porridge bum??
I decided to weigh myself, this way there’s no ignoring it any more, I need to face facts. I’m now 12 stone 4 pounds, and a large size 16. My boobs are massive, my bum is massive, and my bingo wings flap. I got my husband to take photos of me, full length, no makeup, in leggings and a vest top. Even though I’m not oblivious to the fact that I’ve put this weight on, I was still shocked by the images that looked back at me. I did not recognise myself. Who was this imposter pretending to be me?
I am not that girl in the photographs. I am not that girl in the mirror. I am care fee, happy, full of life and colour. I do things on a whim. I’m funny and odd and make weird faces. I have discos in my living room and dance around with my boy, not caring that the world can see us through the window.
The girl I see is pale and washed out, she looks old and worn. Her hair has been falling out. It’s stopped now but it’s not really growing back and it’s still a mess. She stays in bed as long as she can get away with it so she doesn’t have to get up and face the world. She secretly despises herself and what she has become, and tries to cover the pain with comfort eating. She spends too much noney on things she doesn’t need, to try to fill a void.
The girl in the mirror is not me.
Funlily enough I was actually listening to Man in the Mirror today, and it did strike a chord with me.
I’m Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It’s Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right
I want to be a better person. I want to be a good person. So I’m going to make a change.